If you are a relative or friend of someone who has disclosed abuse, the following information might be helpful in starting to understand what survivors of abuse need.
To be heard
Listening is essential and the most important first response to someone who discloses abuse. The Catholic Church want to listen to the voices of survivors. Initially this is done through a meeting with the Safeguarding Adviser in a Diocese. However, a survivor will often make his/her own decisions about who to approach first. If a survivor has disclosed abuse to you, it is important to remember that the person will often have been carrying this distress for a long time. Perhaps you might wonder why it can take a survivor so long to disclose non-recent abuse. It is not unusual for a child or young person who is being abused to attempt to tell someone at the time it is happening. If the child or young person is not believed or is dismissed, then the victim is silenced. That silence can continue for decades. The very nature of the impact and power of grooming by the abuser can also prevent the person telling someone at the time of the abuse. In some instances of non-recent abuse, it is not unusual for the survivor to disclose what happened decades after the abuse ended when the perpetrator dies. The ability to listen, and to listen carefully, is most important.
To be believed
For a survivor to be told that they are believed is vitally important. Survivors of non-recent abuse will often have attempted to tell someone when the abuse was happening to them as a child. Very often they will have been dismissed or not believed. The impact of abuse on the psychological health of a survivor will result in a difficulty recalling the abuse in a chronologically accurate manner.
To feel safe
It is a common experience for survivors to feel anxious, having disclosed abuse, and to want reassurance and a sense of safety. This reflects the deeply rooted damage which abuse in a Church context causes on every level. Children often grow up with their understanding and experience of Church as a safe place with safe people around them. When it is the ‘safe people’ who are the perpetrators of abuse, this can be devastating. The Catholic Church has a particular duty of care to survivors to offer them safety by listening and responding with care and compassion.
To understand
While it is often impossible to comprehend why a perpetrator chooses to hurt children or young people by sexually abusing them, or indeed by subjecting them to other forms of abuse, there is a wealth of helpful literature available to help survivors to understand the impact of abuse. When anyone experiences deep distress or trauma in their lives, the human response is often to reach out and say, ‘I do understand what you are going through’. In reality, of course, nobody can fully comprehend the suffering experienced by another.
A survivor might describe feelings of guilt, shame, anger, depression, self blame etc. If you are supporting a survivor or wanting to understand more about the impact of abuse, please see the reading list below whihc suggests helpful books for survivors and those who support them.
To be supported and accompanied
At the time when a survivor feels ready to take that brave step and disclose the abuse, it is not unusual for them to feel isolated and worried about what response they will receive. How much support and accompaniment a survivor might need will depend upon the individual. Some might need frequent opportunities to talk and explore the feelings they have tried to contain for a long time. Others might only wish for accompaniment during the process (which can include reporting to a Diocese, in a police interview etc) or they might need to feel secure about knowing that they have someone to turn to at difficult moments. What is vital is to explore this gently and respectfully with the other person.